On humble beginnings and the forgotten past...
I have taken some days off work last week to take care of my Dad who went through an operation. Along with the many visits to my Dad's place at Bukit Batok, came memories of the past. Memories about my humble beginnings and how hard I strived to acheive what I have today. It wasn't an easy journey, but I think I have kept it as a fragment of my memories and do not want to stir them unnecessarily. I am afraid of poverty. I fear being poor because I have experienced it firsthand before and it is frightening.
The key reason why I worked so hard during my polytechnic and university education is to drive myself out of poverty. To drive myself out of the feeling that I have to rely on a meagre sum that is barely enough to pass the month. When I took the walk down my old neighbourhood, looking around me, I suddenly realised that I have chosen to conveniently forget my past to keep myself from bringing me back to those days. The days that I have to wake up thinking about how I can survive as a student without the support of my parents. Since 17 years old, my parents have stopped supporting me and my education. I thought back and often wondered how I managed to survive my tertiary education.
The only things I remember is really that I worked every holiday, taught tuition to two different students and worked on weekends (when school started). Aside from working, I remembered that I worked very hard to get the best results I could in my poly and uni so that I am able to get non-bonded scholarships to sponsor my own education and living expenses. I don't have much left to buy the luxuries that many teenagers have now. Perhaps that feeling of deprivation made me who I am now. This strong feeling that I have to depend on myself to survive, no one can help me aside from myself.
A stroll down memory lane also reminded me of some important lessons I have learnt as a child. My mother seldom uses positive reinforcements when teaching me values. During heated arguments, there were pretty strong comments directed at making me feel bad. As young as 10 years old, I was taught these "wierd values". I knew something was wrong with them because when I was watching television drama, the storyline is always surrounding the importance of family values and hard work rather than money. I quickly understood that the values that she taught me isn't right and shook them off my mind when making my life's decisions. Of course, knowing Edwin and Buddhism did help me to understand the right values. The real lesson learnt from my Mom is not to follow her ways when I am old. Do not blame the world for what has happened to you, because you take charge of your own life and have to be responsible for the decisions that you make. And, money is not everything. Yes, money is important but it is not everything. Anyways, this is a fragment of my memory that I have chosen to forget so that I can move on in life.
There is a buddhist saying that I have pinned up on my study room cupboard: "Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future. Concentate your mind on the present moment.".
After re-visiting the past, I have decided to let go. Let it be. My Mom would not change after being like that for over 50 years. Some how, I am tempted to forgive her although I know it is tough. Many things that she has done and said scarred me permanently, the only way that I can help myself, is through avoidance and completely forgetting that part of my life.
But having said that, I have not only avoided the unhappy past but I have also conveniently forgotten the happier days. The days that my Dad fetched me to school every day, the days that I had a lot of fun with my baby brother, and the days when I worked hard in school, and the feeling of success when I got the results that I wanted. The days when I took my brother swimming after work. The days that Edwin will drive his family car after his lessons at SIM to fetch me to eat supper. The days that I fell in love, got engaged and got married. The days that my project mates and I slogged in my stuffy room to finish projects. The nights that I studied through the night to finish what I have set out for the day.
Thus, I have decided that - I hope to let go of the unhappy past and embrace the future with open arms, keeping the happy memories deeply nestled in my heart. Remembering that as time goes by, I have all these positive memories to stand by me during the tough days. Knowing that I have a family that will be supportive of me, looks up to me and is proud of my achievements. No matter how tough days will be going forward, I will cherish the present moment.
Carpe Diem.
CC
The key reason why I worked so hard during my polytechnic and university education is to drive myself out of poverty. To drive myself out of the feeling that I have to rely on a meagre sum that is barely enough to pass the month. When I took the walk down my old neighbourhood, looking around me, I suddenly realised that I have chosen to conveniently forget my past to keep myself from bringing me back to those days. The days that I have to wake up thinking about how I can survive as a student without the support of my parents. Since 17 years old, my parents have stopped supporting me and my education. I thought back and often wondered how I managed to survive my tertiary education.
The only things I remember is really that I worked every holiday, taught tuition to two different students and worked on weekends (when school started). Aside from working, I remembered that I worked very hard to get the best results I could in my poly and uni so that I am able to get non-bonded scholarships to sponsor my own education and living expenses. I don't have much left to buy the luxuries that many teenagers have now. Perhaps that feeling of deprivation made me who I am now. This strong feeling that I have to depend on myself to survive, no one can help me aside from myself.
A stroll down memory lane also reminded me of some important lessons I have learnt as a child. My mother seldom uses positive reinforcements when teaching me values. During heated arguments, there were pretty strong comments directed at making me feel bad. As young as 10 years old, I was taught these "wierd values". I knew something was wrong with them because when I was watching television drama, the storyline is always surrounding the importance of family values and hard work rather than money. I quickly understood that the values that she taught me isn't right and shook them off my mind when making my life's decisions. Of course, knowing Edwin and Buddhism did help me to understand the right values. The real lesson learnt from my Mom is not to follow her ways when I am old. Do not blame the world for what has happened to you, because you take charge of your own life and have to be responsible for the decisions that you make. And, money is not everything. Yes, money is important but it is not everything. Anyways, this is a fragment of my memory that I have chosen to forget so that I can move on in life.
There is a buddhist saying that I have pinned up on my study room cupboard: "Do not dwell on the past, do not dream of the future. Concentate your mind on the present moment.".
After re-visiting the past, I have decided to let go. Let it be. My Mom would not change after being like that for over 50 years. Some how, I am tempted to forgive her although I know it is tough. Many things that she has done and said scarred me permanently, the only way that I can help myself, is through avoidance and completely forgetting that part of my life.
But having said that, I have not only avoided the unhappy past but I have also conveniently forgotten the happier days. The days that my Dad fetched me to school every day, the days that I had a lot of fun with my baby brother, and the days when I worked hard in school, and the feeling of success when I got the results that I wanted. The days when I took my brother swimming after work. The days that Edwin will drive his family car after his lessons at SIM to fetch me to eat supper. The days that I fell in love, got engaged and got married. The days that my project mates and I slogged in my stuffy room to finish projects. The nights that I studied through the night to finish what I have set out for the day.
Thus, I have decided that - I hope to let go of the unhappy past and embrace the future with open arms, keeping the happy memories deeply nestled in my heart. Remembering that as time goes by, I have all these positive memories to stand by me during the tough days. Knowing that I have a family that will be supportive of me, looks up to me and is proud of my achievements. No matter how tough days will be going forward, I will cherish the present moment.
Carpe Diem.
CC
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